I did not expect that I was going to be a spiritual worker. I did not actually ever know for most of my life, what I wanted to be when ‘I grew up’. But I knew I needed to do something, so I went back to school at age 37 to be a nurse. Now – I was not crazy about the idea of being a nurse in the traditional sense, but I knew there were a lot of options and I went through the process assuming I’d find something that I could like doing. At the time, I was in a long term committed relationship, and he was also a nurse. He was very encouraging – being a nurse was a second career for him as well.
The entire process took about two and a half years, and I ended up quitting my job so I could focus on my clinicals and the demands of nursing school. Even with that, it was hard work. My partner supported us, and during that time, we made a lot of plans on what we’d do once I got done – we both really wanted to travel, especially to Europe.
I graduated and turned 40 in the same month. I’d been doing my graduate work at a home care agency, and they invited me to stay and work there.
After graduation, my partner and I decided to look at houses. We got a realtor and started going through the process of finding a new home. We also took a trip to Florida – one of my long time goals- and started to look at where we might go in Europe.
Then almost a year after I graduated, I was working in the field. I was getting ready to drive away from a patient’s home and suddenly it was a like a ticker tape over my head. ‘He’s cheating on you’.
Now – I had no concrete evidence. Just this ticker tape message that literally appeared before my eyes. And then a sinking feeling – kinda like when you find out someone dies unexpectedly and you don’t want to believe it.
I went home and tried to ignore the feeling. I thought I might be crazy and in fact, the feeling kind of evaporated. Then the next day when I went back to work, it returned, stronger than ever. That night I confronted him – and this was only with just this ‘feeling’ and the message. He admitted that he had been doing things (and eventually I found out he’d been cheating on me for two years with various women) but that he’d recently met someone that he thought was ‘special’ and he was basically trying to decide if she was the one. He said all this with a straight face. No apology, no asking for forgiveness, just matter of fact.
But my response surprised me. I felt relief. I felt light and free. And also, in that moment, strong and courageous as hell. I said, ‘I’m done with you. Hope you like her, because she can have your ass. I don’t know what I’m going to do next, but here’s the deal. You’re going to give me all the time I need to figure it out. And guess what else, I’m done paying bills here because I need to save my money to move out’.
That was in November, and by January, I had a place. I picked a neighborhood I wanted to go to and found an apartment. For the most part, I was good – I couldn’t wait to get away from his lying ass. But two things bothered me.
One – if he was unhappy for two years, why didn’t he just tell me? Why sneak around behind my back?
Two – How the HELL did I not realize it was going on? For two years??????
Once I moved out, those questions plagued me over and over. I never wanted him back – not even for a minute. My Mom said to me once right after it happened, ‘Maybe he’ll get his head together and come back when he realizes what he’s losing’. I remember wanting to throw up. I even said something like ‘God, I hope NOT!’ I knew there was no way I was going back again.
But I did ruminate on those questions over and over….to the point that I finally called him once and asked him Why? And he had no answer. I don’t even remember what he said but that it left me more frustrated than before I called him. After I hung up the phone, I heard Sven, my spirit guide, say to me, ‘If you want to go over what happened, talk to me. Don’t call him.’
So that’s what I did. I talked to Sven often. Daily. I listened to music and I danced with my guides. When I was lonely and couldn’t find any friends to do anything with, I hung out with them. I listened to their nudges to go certain places and look for certain things – like a treasure hunt. I’d be told to go to a certain art gallery because there was a piece of art I would like, or to go into a store because there was a special dragonfly – then let myself be intuitively guided to the place I would find it. I’d go to a class, or try a massage therapist – finding that my intuition was getting stronger and stronger.
On my worst, most loneliest days, I’d feel their comfort around me. They’d wake me in the middle of the night for messages, or so I could meet new guides, or hear their voices. Sometimes we’d just sit and talk.
I finally got the answers to my questions – the first being, the reason WHY he did what he did? Sven told me it was because he was only serving himself. And that made sense. If you framed all of his behaviors against the backdrop of them only being good for him – they made sense. Didn’t make them cool or right – but I could finally stop asking why.
Sven also told me that the reason I didn’t know was because they let me know only when I was ready and when it was time to go. It would have been difficult, if not impossible for me to support myself and finish the nursing program. I needed to be there so I could do that. They shielded me from what was going on.
At this point in my story, I have to digress a little bit. I’d starting hearing my guides when I was 19. I met Sven when I was 30. I’d been able to hear him all that time, and envision him a little – and he’d kept me company in school, and I’d always talk to him and we’d reconnect when I went to visit my friends in Michigan. And we’d really gotten close about ten years before all this happened, when I was going through a particularly rough patch. But those are all stories for another time.
The point is, when this huge change in my life occurred, I really started relying on Sven again. He kept me going. He made me laugh, he gave me comfort when I cried, and he and my other guides kept me company during the rough patches. But the other thing that started to happen was – I started to SHARE him with people.
Prior to this year in my life, only a very small handful of people knew about Sven. Mainly my two BFF’s in Michigan and I’d talked about him with a friend at work. My ex knew about him but mostly made fun of it. But for the most part, I kept my relationships with my guides and my abilities to communicate with them a secret. And it wasn’t only Sven that I knew – I also knew my friends’ guides and I also had other guides that I had relationships with as well. But I’d had my doubts about my abilities at times, and I sure as hell didn’t want other people to think I was crazy. I didn’t think I was crazy – Sven had given me way too much proof, and I’d made my peace with all of it several years before this point. Sven never told me to hurt myself or anyone else, and all his conversations only brought me peace and comfort. So I had decided either it was all true, and he’d be the first person I’d see when I died – or, I was making it up, there’s nothing after we die – and I won’t know anyway. So who cares – I’m going to have fun and talk to this invisible Viking while I’m here, because all he does is try to help me anyway.
But once I was alone again, and Sven being my main and constant companion…..I started to slowly bring up the subject to other friends. And instead of them thinking I was crazy – they wanted to know, Do I have guides? Who are they? And the second thing I found was – once they were open – and genuinely wanting to know – I’d start to see and feel their guides. And then once that happened? They’d start to see and feel them as well – during the same time!
I was so excited to help people connect with their guides that I started to have these conversations more and more – usually at spiritual gatherings or meeting new people that I felt comfortable with. And with my new found freedom, Sven was encouraging me to go out more, try new things, meet new people. And suddenly I was meeting ALL kinds of new people who were into this ‘spiritual’ stuff.
Eventually I started to toy with the idea of giving readings. And I did start offering them, and it grew by word of mouth. I was finding that people were really interested in what I could do and very excited to learn about guides. And eventually I started teaching people how to connect with theirs. And over the years, I learned more about what MY guides did and what they wanted to help me with – and as I continued on the path, this evolved into mediumship, animal communication, reflexology and eventually where I am today as a shamanic practitioner. (and those are all also stories for another day!)
The point of all this is – If my life hadn’t changed one day, suddenly, when my guides said it was time, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to support myself when it was time if I hadn’t gone to nursing school. I wouldn’t have deepened my connection to Sven (And Ezra and Lucas and Maxim and Tala) if I hadn’t been forced to be alone and start over. I wouldn’t have met people in the spiritual community, made some awesome friends, and become more confident about my abilities. I wouldn’t have become a spiritual teacher, or a shamanic practitioner, if I hadn’t had that major upheaval in my life. I probably would have bought a new house, maybe traveled, and gotten more entrenched with someone who didn’t respect me and definitely didn’t love me. I also wouldn’t love the shit out of myself like I do today. My life – and it is pretty fantastic – is all due to many things, but a lot of it is because my boyfriend decided he wanted a new girlfriend. And not only am I not angry about it, I’m GRATEFUL to him. Because he clearly wasn’t going to leave me while he was dating other people. I had to be the one to leave, and I needed him to betray me so I could do that.
A couple of years ago, I was on a late night plane trip to one of my favorite places, and there was a full moon. Ever seen a full moon from a plane? It’s pretty fantastic. I highly recommend it if you can manage it. I was looking at that moon, and suddenly I felt all the love and support from my guides and I was so in awe of my journey, and how I’d gotten to this place – and I realized it was all perfect. In that moment I knew that I’d gladly take being alone over and over if the exchange was living in alignment with my purpose and with the support of my guides. Cause to me, NOTHING is better than that feeling.
So mote it be.